Context:
Last year, I was in the process of moving to Canada. Immigration paperwork is a nightmare so a decision was made to reach out to a few consultants to seek help.
Abhinav Immigration was one of them. After the initial call, the relationship manager sent me an email and I was disappointed in the communication they were using.
It was not for humans.
So, I decided to reach out to Abhinav’s CEO, Ajay Sharma to take him through what was happening, how they could have been losing money because of it, and how it can be quickly fixed.
Below is the email I wrote him and his response.
Subject: A Better Pitch for Abhinav
Body:
Hi Ajay
This is one of the longest emails I’ve ever written and it can help you double your sales at Abhinav.
No, I am not a salesman trying to sell you anything. I requested a consultation from Abhinav and was shocked to see the communication you guys are using.
I am an entrepreneur just like you and fixing broken stuff is our lifeblood so I thought I’d write you this letter.
Here is what happened,
I requested a consultation from Abhinav (I am in the process of moving to Canada). I received a call and it was decided that the relationship manager will send me an email sharing the process.
As expected, the email did come but with it also came a sense of shock.
After looking at the email, I could easily say that it’s a template you guys must be using company wide and the shocker was the sheer number of clients you probably lose because of this poorly drafted email template.
So here is a break down of the email I received, what’s wrong with it, how it can be improved and an actual redone email that you guys can use right away.
First thing first, the email I received (also added as an attachment in case it’s not clear)
Here’s a break down of what’s wrong with each section and how it can be improved:
Introduction:
I’ve already had a conversation with this representative and he knew my name and definitely my gender. Putting a first-name instead of Sir/Ma’am makes a letter personalized and in turn gives a feeling that the organization cares about me and is not just after my wallet.
Moreover, this space can be very well used to establish a relationship and familiarity. Since, the representative and I already had a call, mentioning our conversation would certainly be a great ice-breaker.
You can also include some interesting facts to pique interest. Here’s an example;
The Canadian government invites half a million people every year. The passport is 4th strongest in the world and it’s one of the best places to live and study or work. <<< This creates a hype about the place.
Stage 1
This part of the email was the biggest shocker for me and I am quite positive that would be the case with most other enquirers. The reason, Abhinav still hasn’t shown me any value, social proof or anything for that matter which would be compelling enough for me to take out my wallet and hand over the 75k and of-course the 18% GST.
This also makes me kind of not want to read the rest of the email as it gives a feeling that without handing over that money to Abhinav, they won’t be interested in taking the conversation further. This is the first stage after-all.
A better approach can be:
Redacting the 75k figure from here and moving it to the end, as even the hottest lead/enquirer would first read the entire mail before making a payment. It would reduce the friction which in turn reduces the drop rate and would provide Abhinav an opportunity to use the rest of the email to establish trust. Trust is the biggest factor behind every purchase decision.
A revamped version of this section is added in the redone email at the end.
Stage 2
What on earth are ‘Credential Assessment fee’ and WES!
A person who is supposed to pay CAD 230 for something would definitely want to know what he is paying for. There’s not even a link.
Including information about what Credential Assessment is and why it’s paid to WES would be of great help to the user. It can also be used as an opportunity to target traffic to the your website. You can create a page on it and attach a link to the site.
A revamped version of this section is added in the redone email at the end.
Stage 3
I am entitled to 600 points but I don’t know if 600 points is meh, good or great. Providing some sort of comparison table or reference to points would be wonderful.
This is also one of the most important parts of the pitch. This should be used to establish how Abhinav will create value for the user.
A revamped version of this section is in the redone email at the end.
Stage 4
When does it go to CIC? Is it after I’ve been chosen or is it after a certain time? This information can be made more specific.
What if we edited this section to:
After receiving the golden email, you have a 30 days period to complete all formalities.
Your file is sent to CIC, Nova Scotia and you are required to pay the following fee to the Canadian government:
- 825 CAD/adult.
- 225 CAD each child below 22 yrs.
Stage 5
This section is another great opportunity to show how Abhinav can add value and establish trust.
What if we edited this section to:
The next stage is obtaining Medicals and Police clearance. This can be a cumbersome process if you don’t have a lot of experience dealing with the government authorities but don’t worry, we do. We will guide you through the process of obtaining the necessary certificates.
Stage 6
There is a huge problem with this section. There is no Call to Action.
The problem is that when it is left upto a user to respond, they usually don’t. People must definitely have reservations and questions. Asking to book a follow up call would bring in a lot more conversions.
A revamped version of this section is added in the redone email at the end.
Abhinav Fee Details (This section can be added as a part of the email)
Our team is one of the best in the business with over 26 years of experience. We are a Regulated Canadian Immigration Consultant (RCIC) with RCIC no. R533671 and we have helped hundreds of people move to Canada.
Our regular signup fees is INR 1,00,000 + 18% GST but each Relationship Manager can extend upto 6 discount codes every month for 30% off. I have one code left this month and I can provide you with it if it’s available at the time of your signup. (This is to create a fear of missing out)
Your effective signup cost after the discount would be INR 75,000 + 18% GST. Please let me know if you’re available tomorrow for a call. I’ll answer all your questions and assist you with the signup process.
Email Footer
What was the last time we saw anyone taking a printout of an email unless it was really necessary? It never happens.
This space can instead be used to showcase recognitions, awards or testimonials.
The Redone Email
Here’s what would have been a much better pitch:
Hi Aditya
This mail is in reference to our conversation yesterday about your Canada Permanent Residency (PR).
The Canadian government invites half-a-million people every year through its various immigration programs. Canadian passport is the 4th strongest in the world and it’s one of the best places to study or work.
Your journey to obtaining Canadian PR with us is divided into 6 stages. Here’s an outline of the entire process:
STAGE 1 : Sign Up
Your journey begins with Signing up with Abhinav. The signup process is fairly straightforward and includes:
- Your initial assessment,
- Documentation, and
- Fee payment (Signup fee details are provided below)
I’ll be guiding you through the entire process to make sure it’s frictionless for you.
STAGE 2: Education Credential Assessment (ECA)
The Canadian government requires PR applicants to go through Educational credential assessment (ECA). It is used to verify that your foreign degree, diploma, or certificate (or other proof of your credential) is valid and check its Canadian equivalency. You can learn more about WES here. <<link to abhinav website>>
In the second step, we help you get your credentials assessed. There are several Canada government approved organizations that provide ECA services. World Education Services (WES) is the most popular and fastest amongst them. WES charges CAD 230 per evaluation.
Credential Assessment report arrives in 6-8 weeks. In the meantime, we work on getting your documents for the next stage ready which includes your IELTS score and other employment papers required for Express Entry.
STAGE 3: Express Entry Application
Canada issues Express Entry PR on the basis of a points based system.
In this stage, we’ll create and submit your Express Entry Profile to the government pool. This pool is accessible to recruiters & employers along with Provinces and the Federal government.
Points are rewarded on the basis of several criteria. An applicant who claims an overall higher score in the pool will get the invite first (higher the points, greater the probability of getting an invite). However, there is no minimum points requirement to submit an application in the pool.
To maximize your chances of getting PR, within 30 days of filing in the pool, we will also post your CV to the Canadian Job bank. This is channel through which your information would be available to ALL employers who use the Job bank pool to locate talent. If you are offered a job by a Canadian employer, it further strengthens your prospects of getting to Canada. It gets you an additional 50 points (subject to LMIA approval <<<Link to abhinav site for LMIA>>>) and a chance to get Provincial nomination.
When your application is picked up by a province, you are entitled to claim 600 additional points. 600 points is a lot and these extra points almost ensure your entry to Canada.
At the end of this stage, after your profile is selected by the Canadian government, you receive an Invitation To Apply. This is the golden email you’ve been waiting for.
STAGE 4: Invitation To Apply
Once you receive the golden email, you have a 30 days period to complete all formalities.
Your file is sent to CIC, Nova Scotia and you are required to pay the following fee to the government:
- 825 CAD/adult.
- 225 CAD each child below 22 yrs.
STAGE 5: Clearances
The next stage is obtaining Medicals and Police clearances. This can be a cumbersome process if you don’t have a lot of experience dealing with government authorities but don’t worry, we do. We will guide you through the process to obtain all the necessary certificates.
This is also the stage when you can start packing your bags. Don’t forget to pack your winter jackets. 🙂
STAGE 6: Visa Stamping
After all the clearances, your passport is submitted for Visa stamping. You also have to pay a CAD 500 fee to the government for every individual over the age 22 and CAD 85 Biometric fee per person.
This is the last stage of the PR process and you are good to fly to Canada after you receive your Visa stamp.
ABHINAV SIGNUP DETAILS
Our team is one of the best in the business with over 26 years of experience. We are a Regulated Canadian Immigration Consultant (RCIC) with RCIC no. R533671 and we have helped hundreds of people move to Canada.
Our regular signup fees is INR 1,00,000 + 18% GST but each Relationship Manager can extend upto 6 discount codes every month for 30% off. I have one code left this month and I can provide you with it if it’s available at the time of your signup.
Your effective signup cost after the discount would be INR 75,000 + 18% GST.
Please let me know if you’re available tomorrow for a call. I’ll answer all your questions and assist you in the signup process.
Regards,
Ajay Sharma | CEO
Abhinav Immigration Services Pvt. Ltd.
Ground Floor, Building No. 6
Devika Tower
Nehru Place, New Delhi – 110019, India
Moblie:+ 91-XXXXXXXXX, Telephone:Â 0 8595 338 595
“Best immigration consultants 2020′ by Indian Express
“Think Immigration. Think Abhinav.” ~ Times of India
Result
2 Responses
You are brilliant Aditya. And one of a kind. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this email which you sent to him. Creative thinking at its max.
Thank you for the kind words, Snigdha. 🙂